Drifter

It’s kinda hard to blog now cuz I’m not sure what direction to take it. So I’ll do what I’m best at, and turn the subject to me!

I wish I had good words to describe the past week but its been a blur. Lots of help, lots of friends, beautiful flowers and amazingly sweet notes were surely part of every day. Thank you for that. But in my soul I feel so…. almost drifting . Disconnected from life as I knew it. Not it a bad way, but in a new way. It’s the weirdest and most boring feeling ever.

I’m not a reader nor a tv/movie watcher. I’m a do-er . And because I can’t do much at the moment, a lot of my days are spent staring off into space just thinking. Thinking of pretty much nothing. Weird right. I’m not worried about being sick. It almost seems as if I just have a bad flu. I know it’s just a matter of time before I’m back in the game at work.

So I guess when you take worrying out of the picture, what do you really think about all day? I mean my life hasn’t changed so there’s not much exciting to think about. I’m not working much so there’s no huge topic to ponder. The boys are having a great summer yet still give me the endless “I’m bored.” Or  “What can I do if I can’t play mine craft”. I guess I have dreamed up some great vacations with all this time on my hands. That’s a start, right?

I think the hardest part, and what makes me feel most disconnected is I’m weak. I hurt all the time. It kinda crushes my ego cuz I’m the girl with the high tolerance for pain. I’m the girl who goes straight to the mall the day after she has a baby. Or goes to a wedding 2 days after having my appendix out. I’m the girl who can work 16 hours straight and not blink. I’m a do-er. I get things done. Well, I did.

Now it takes me about 20 minutes every morning just to stand up straight. Maybe because the surgery wasn’t done robotically or they had to remove so much stuff that I still feel like my abs are torn to shreds. I don’t know, but I don’t like it.

I wake up every morning and say “ok, today is the day you’re gonna feel great all day!” By 2pm I need a nap and by 8pm I’ve totally zoned into my own little drifting world. Laying here, starring at trees, trying to clear my mind of any stress so I’m ready for what this week brings me. I know I feel like crap but I do know mentally my head needs to be in the game. So maybe that’s what drifting brings to me…. A strong mind?

And before I sign off… Thank you more than ever for the notes, comments, prayers, posts and the love you have shared with me. It truly means a lot.

I’ve been trying my best to stay away from the computer but I do check in every couple days. And guess what…. Every time I do, I find myself smiling.
-Denise

     
Sherman Peters - July 11, 2013 - 5:22 pm

I feel like I’ve waited 34 years to be this happy. Pre-cancer happiness was something that was always fleeting. I wrestled with the black dog of depression all my life and never knew anything different. Post cancer my depression is gone. My emotions feel more regulated now. Sadness lasts for a day and it is usually for a good reason. But I honestly have not felt sadness for a long time.

Betzie - July 10, 2013 - 9:32 pm

Denise- My mother is currently undergoing treatment for ovarian cancer. I sent her your blog & it touched her deeply. She shares many of your feelings right now. I wanted you to know that by telling your journey, you are helping others who are currently walking a similar path. Thank you for your honesty and openness through this difficult time. May God continue to bless & encourage you.

Brandi Samm - July 10, 2013 - 4:18 pm

Healing prayers coming your way daily!

Andrea Harrison - July 10, 2013 - 1:46 pm

Denise – You’ve been on my mind and in my prayers. Here is a verse especially for you: “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34 I am claiming the victory of this verse for you, my friend!

Susie - July 10, 2013 - 12:42 pm

Denise…not a day goes by, sometimes only hours, that I am not thinking of you, and praying this will all be over for you really soon. I know you are a do-er, so being stuck on the couch or in the bed, is a new world for you…but I think what you have your mind focused on is “healing” for you. Sometimes, just thinking and drifting is something we never let ourselves do very much. It’s your healing medicine right now. Listen to your body and rest when it tells you too. I will leave you with a sweet story of Art Fair. We have a new 5 month old little granddaughter, Joey Kate, and I shopped for her at Art fair this year. She needs her own MJ, so she wore her first pair of ruffles Friday night…when you are drifting around, maybe you can see my page, and get a smile from her sweetness wearing those little gray ruffles. It made me smile and think of you when we put them on her:)I love you and your family and we are all thinking of you:)

Jana - July 10, 2013 - 11:43 am

I had to have an invasive surgery once. I was trying to take it one day at a time but at each step of the way I wondered if it would ever get better–would I ever feel “normal” again. It did get better – at about 6 monthes post surgery I started to feel good again. Sometimes I get an odd pain now and then but that’s it. I know what you are going through is a lot more complicated but taking it one day at a time will really help– as will not being hard on yourself for the things you can’t do right now. Just let it go and give it up to whatever higher power you believe in. Try to let others do for you right now–you deserve it!!!

If I learned anything from reading your blog — you are a strong and inspiring person and you will beat this! Keep your faith! And thank you for sharing your experience with everyone– the courage and strength it will give others who face this same challenge is immeasurable.

Amber - July 10, 2013 - 9:59 am

Thank you so much for this blog. I’ve never read a blog on here. I broke my femur in December and had a femoral rod placed. My bone didn’t grow, my screws broke, and my rod ended up bending. I ended up having surgery again in June. I feel exactly what you just described but I don’t think I could have put it into words. I have 2 kids that are extremely bored! They are 4 & 8. I just want to run and play again with my children. Mindless thinking, daydreaming- I think sometimes I don’t do any of it except when I’m asleep in my dreams. Good luck to you!

Bridgette - July 10, 2013 - 9:55 am

Soon you will be back on your feet and feeling great!! Chin up! Prayers and hugs to you 🙂

Lydia Z. Golden - July 10, 2013 - 2:13 am

The doctor there wouldn’t make eye contact with me. He put his head in his hands and told us I’d been misdiagnosed. I had bowel cancer, not ovarian cancer.

Stacey Smith - July 9, 2013 - 10:06 pm

My best friend did the zoning thing you describe when she was on hospital bed rest from 22 weeks until she delivered at 31 weeks. We decided that it was her body’s way of almost falling into a hibernation state to just let her baby cook without doing anything at all that would start labor. Maybe your body is doing the same thing… Hibernating while you knit and heal and grow healthy fresh cells – forcing the “do-ing” to halt while the good stuff takes back over.

Tara Parshley - July 9, 2013 - 9:05 pm

Dear Denise…just sending my love and good wishes to you!

Not sure you remember me … I’m a Canterbury person and know your sons and husband, Dan’s family and your sweet in laws well…

My prayers are with all of you. Stay strong and keep the faith…

All the best as you recover…tara

Deb Stallings - July 9, 2013 - 3:19 pm

Missed art fair this year but it would not have been the same without you.
Praying for you daily. Lot of hugs

Brandi Parker - July 9, 2013 - 8:36 am

Denise you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers..

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:11-13

And I know he has more great plans for you 🙂

Ana - July 9, 2013 - 12:08 am

Thinking about you every day
Please fell better
Love from Wisconsin

Megan Maddox - July 8, 2013 - 10:47 pm

Denise –
Thanks for the update – you can’t believe how many times a day you cross my mind! I am sending prayers your way daily for complete healing!

Julie DeGraff - July 8, 2013 - 10:00 pm

Xoxo, Denise. Good to hear from you. I wonder each day how it’s going. Guess what? Doer’s recover faster… I’m sure of it! Enjoy the drifting if you can- something great will come of it. Prayers for you continue.
Take care,
Julie

Kelly Pigott - July 8, 2013 - 8:58 pm

Sending prayers your way Denise!

Danielle Broussard - July 8, 2013 - 8:42 pm

praying for you denise, you are such a strong woman and have such a positive attitude, hope all goes well for you with you treatment in Houston. can’t wait till fall comes out. always thinking about you!!!!

Jamie b - July 8, 2013 - 8:33 pm

You are in my thoughts and prayers Denise.

Kelly - July 8, 2013 - 6:58 pm

Keep smiling that wonderful smile of yours! You are in my thoughts and I know you’ll conquer this.

Carrie Gugger Kelley - July 8, 2013 - 6:54 pm

“Soul Warriors need time for rest, contemplation. Even in the midst of battle, meditation. The warrior lets everything happening around them, continue to happen, looking at the world as a spectator. Not trying to add to it or take away from it, but to surrender unresistingly to the movement of life.

Little by little. The warrior who forces rest will learn one of life’s great truths. When there is quiet, everything that seemed complicated begins to become simple. That is when your new journey will begin.”

– Paulo Coelho

Teanna B - July 8, 2013 - 6:45 pm

Denise I continue to pray for you and your strength during this tough time. Allowing your mind to escape and think of nothing is probably more relaxing for your body than you realize considering you have always been a doer and moving a mile a minute that your not use to it. I hope you continue to go in the right direction during your recovery.

Hope you wake up soon to a day you feel good all day

<3

Michelle - July 8, 2013 - 6:35 pm

One day at a time. One step at a time. Soon this will be a memory of a storm you weathered and came out a stronger person. Praying for your continued healing!

Sabrina - July 8, 2013 - 5:33 pm

I survived ovarian cancer – 20 years cancer free. If I can do it, then I know you can. Take all the time you need to zone out and heal. I promise you, when the haze clears, you won’t see life or your loved ones the same as you did before. For me, that has been a very positive change. XOXOX

Debbie - July 8, 2013 - 5:14 pm

So many have said wonderful things here. Soak it all in. Let the Lord and your family love on you. You’ve sewn love in others for years. It’s your turn to reap the love. Btw, you do have something to do right now. Your job right now is to rest and get well. I know it’s not nearly as much fun, but it may be the most important job you’ve had in a while, other than being mama.

Angie - July 8, 2013 - 5:01 pm

Thanks so much for sharing you 🙂
Praying for you and admire you so!!!

Janette Puskar - July 8, 2013 - 3:31 pm

Denise, please know that I am praying for you and your family everyday.

Amber - July 8, 2013 - 2:59 pm

I love this collection and I’m so happy you are feeling better. <3

A Figueroa - July 8, 2013 - 1:48 pm

Sending you lots of love and healing thoughts. Much to love to you and your family.

Laurie - July 8, 2013 - 1:41 pm

I wish I had the perfect words of wisdom but I don’t. What I do have is well wishes and knowing that my thoughts and prayers are with you daily…maybe your disconnect is that you are floating on our prayers of peace and healing…kindof like a fluffy cloud of love 😉

Shannon - July 8, 2013 - 1:40 pm

Hope you are feeling completely better soon! Cancer just sucks. So sorry you have to go through this! Love and prayers being sent! xo

Magda and Nina - July 8, 2013 - 1:35 pm

Denise,
I cannot even imagine what you are going through but knowing you, we know that you are a fighter and you will go through this and you will be stronger than ever. Nina and I, are thinking about you hoping that things will turn your way.
Magda and Nina from Oregon

Staci - July 8, 2013 - 1:21 pm

Denise, my mother is also an ovarian cancer survivor. The recovery from her hyst was very painful. Far more than those that undergo a robotic hyst because they really are looking closely for every spot of cancer. The good news is she did recover and just reached her 5 year cancer free mark! I feel for you and your family and will be praying for you all. You need to beat this cancer and then use your entrepreneurial spirit to lead the fight against ovarian cancer!!! I hope that someday ovarian cancer will get the attention that breast cancer has received. We need to find better ways to test and prevent if early! May God bless you all!

Kim Smith - July 8, 2013 - 1:06 pm

I’ve not had the extensive surgery you have gone through, but, I have had my uterus and cervix removed and can relate to the pain and fatigue you describe. I had a complete hysterectomy a year ago July 5th and it took me forever to feel normal again. A couple of things helped – nap – your body needs the sleep to recover and walk – little strides on the driveway did me a world of good. I laid around a lot and would find that I wasn’t tired enough for sleep even though I was TIRED, so, walking seemed to help that. I will say that it took me 6 full months to not notice every little new twinge/discomfort and a year to finally feel healed. Give yourself some time. Prayers for you and your family.

Kim

Rya - July 8, 2013 - 12:59 pm

Denise…a good friend told me the other day that she believes God gives you more than you can handle so that you lean on Him. I think she’s right…he will hold you up when you feel weak and heal your body when you cannot heal it yourself. Thinking of you daily!

Mama Hope - July 8, 2013 - 12:56 pm

You aren’t drifting away cuz you have people with guide wires!!! People at home, people at work, people just waiting to work miracles at your treatment center … People who are gonna love you through this!!

Angela W - July 8, 2013 - 12:51 pm

Prayers for quick healing!

Mary S - July 8, 2013 - 12:51 pm

You just have to find your new normal. It’s not right or wrong, just different. It will take some time but you will get there and then it will be normal again, except not the same normal. And that’s okay. I hope that makes sense. You are in my thoughts!

Angela Burnett - July 8, 2013 - 12:49 pm

Denise,
I doubt you remember me, but I have been a fan of yours since you had your little store,Daffodil Hill. I bought and have treasured your hand-painted lamps and rocking chair. I always loved coming in to see you and your beautiful personality! I was so bummed when your store closed, but thrilled once I figured out you were the mastermind behind Matilda Jane! I have followed your story for a long time now and can truly see your spirit in all of your designs! I hope some day I can talk with you again and maybe you’ll remember my face! I continue to be inspired by your success and love for life. It makes me so sad to hear of your struggles right now, but I have no fear that you’ll overcome it like the champion you are! Best wishes and lots of love.
Angela Burnett
Warsaw, Indiana

Beth K - July 8, 2013 - 12:45 pm

Denise, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Thank you for sharing your amazing journey with us. I just know that your strength will get you through, stay positive 🙂

Linda Z - July 8, 2013 - 12:39 pm

Sending you more love,light and prayers. Rest your mind and your body and it will heal! Life often has strange ways of reminding us to slow down so enjoy the drifting… you deserve it. We will be here when you are ready to return. Namaste…

Sarah L-B - July 8, 2013 - 12:22 pm

Denise, I can completely relate to how you feel about your body not being “strong” right now. I’m not good with that stuff either & like you have always prided myself on being strong & pushing through. Remember, though, that you deserve time and a break. Your cells are soaking up all the rest and nutrition they can in order to heal and be strong again. Pray for the ability to tell yourself its okay to rest, and it will come- that’s what I started doing 🙂 You are doing an amazing job of keeping positive through all of this! You are also in my prayers!

Renae K - July 8, 2013 - 12:16 pm

Much love & prayers for you, David, Joe and Gabe. Xoxo

Dawn Hudson - July 8, 2013 - 12:08 pm

Prayers for peace and healing.

Jo Blacketor - July 8, 2013 - 12:07 pm

I’ve had many tough surgeries in my 57 years. I’m sure none as complex as yours! What I found is God gave me the time to rest and soak in His Love. To pay more attention to the little things around me (that I had been so busy before to capture)… the sun, the trees, my husband’s eyes, my kid’s smiles. I’ll pray your pain quickly reduces as you heal and you find peace as you regain your energy. Blessings.

Kathryn R. - July 8, 2013 - 11:54 am

Prayers for healing Denise!

Cristy - July 8, 2013 - 11:50 am

Sending love and prayers…lots of both.

Ashley S - July 8, 2013 - 11:49 am

“Let your FAITH be bigger then your FEARS”.. Thinking and praying for you!

Holly V - July 8, 2013 - 11:08 am

Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting thorough my open mind possessing and caressing me. – John Lennon

Thinking of you every day Denise…xo